The Cats Are About To Revolt, And It's All The Grocery Store Clerk's Fault...

Y'all know I'm smitten by kittens. Every last one on all the planets. I even adore my feline overlords when they're all like, "Stop watching Golden Girls, and go buy me food, servant." Such was my situation the other night. I wanted to see what wacky thing the old one with the glasses would say next, but instead I was at the grocery store with a cart full of such necessities as SlimFast, floss, Kerrygold butter, and a discounted holiday-scented candle. And cat food. Can after can of cat food. And some cat litter. Because when you cram fake meat

Wanted: Tutor To Teach Husband To Sext

My husband and I didn't do anything for Valentine's Day. And by nothing, I mean nothing... in bed. Or on the couch. Or in the shower. Or on the kitchen counter. Or wherever else all of y'all free-lovin' heathens get horizontal (or vertical, in the case of the shower). I'm not going to explain the reason for our abbreviated abstinence, because it's not at all interesting. Instead, let's skip to the part where, last night, I decided it was time to get mine and -- because I'm generous-- decided to include my man in the festivities. Now, I've never been

Today Is The Anniversary Of The Day I Didn't Kill Myself

I love Enya. So, it's little wonder that two years ago today, I planned to slowly drift into a permanent sleep while cuddling my kitties and listening to that Irish goddess's mollifying melodies. Sail away, indeed. To answer your immediate question, yes, I was a tad disappointed that my life's final bow was a middle-aged cat lady's wet dream, but my preferred options weren't workable. Initially, I wanted be like Beth in Little Women and contract scarlet fever whilst nursing impoverished scamps. But I'm not really an other-people's-kids person. Then I envisioned myself as Juliet, dying in the arms of

My Great Gramps Could've Sent Your Great Grams A Valentine That Said He Wanted To Store Her In A Frigidaire...

Today's sexually active humans no longer woo potential boinking buddies with poetry or pretty pieces of paper. Why spend $4+ on a Valentine's Day card when you could use your unlimited texting plan to emoji-splain your desire to get down? Let me tell you why: Because Valentine's Day cards are dope. No. For real. They are dope af. Those babies are hot enough to get you pregnant with babies. Don't believe me? Check it: If that's not suggestive of cunnilingus, then I don't what is. And then there's this: If that doesn't say... well, actually, um... I'm not sure. Let's

The First Rule of Fat Girl Club is Don't Talk About The Recipes Shared at Fat Girl Club...

I'm a super swell human. Don't believe me? Check out my Nobel Peace Prize. It's right up there on the shelf with the 1st Place trophy I won in the The Do-Gooder's 15th Annual Mother Theresa Impersonator contest. And because I'm such a super swell human, I spent my perfectly sunny Sunday afternoon driving my former boss to the airport. Here's the thing: I'm a people pleaser. Half a dozen personality tests, three separate therapists, and my bank account all agree that I need to set better boundaries. So, when my former boss asked if she could drive to my

Here's To The Posts That Didn't Make It...

Things have been rough lately, with the last several weeks involving everything from steroid shots in the ass to calling the police regarding a missing person. Yup. You read that right. Shots in my ass. Oh, and a missing person. That was weird, too. Unfortunately -- spoiler alert -- not everyone survived the aforementioned shenanery. And by not everyone, I'm referring to numerous nascent blog posts that sprouted in my mind, only to be stomped down by everyday burdens. While these fallen soldiers are no more, they are not forgotten. So, in tribute to those witty musings dropped by the

Since You're Ruining My Childhood, How About You Go Ahead And Make Anne Shirley A Zombie While You're At It?

I'm so cranky right now at some of y'all. You know who you are. You will argue that you are intrigued, bored, or worst of all, fans. But I know what you really are. You are traitors and worthy of waterboarding. Today, you will eat your turkey and potatoes, sit on your couch with your coffee and your pie, and you will turn on your TV to PBS and then watch Anne of Green Gables. What. The. Hell. Is. Wrong. With. Y'all? Let me back up and provide some context. (Although, if you were a true fan, you wouldn't need

Thanksgiving Bingo Won't Make Time With Your Family Any Less Awkward, But Here's A Bingo Sheet Anyway, So You Can't  Say I Didn't Try...

My Great Grandma Ruth was a badass. She made bombs during WWII, and she once told me that she'd kissed 100 different guys before she got locked down by my great grandfather. And when she was in her 90s, she became something of a local celebrity. She and her best friend, Janine, attended Bingo every Tuesday without fail. They once were in a car crash on their way to play their beloved game, and they told the EMTs that if it was their time to go, they'd rather go in the Bingo Hall. While there, a local TV scout spotted

I've Got 83 Problems, But Buddha Ain't One...

I’d barely exchanged pleasantries with the mustachioed man named Ivan before he pressed a gun against me, drawing blood. Five painful minutes later, he tossed me aside, leaving me to survey the damage that was my first tattoo. I sat, staring at the black blot, tears dripping down my face, and whispered, “I did it. I’m alive. And it’s perfect.” * Of course I survived. Ivan gave me a skin lesion, not a lobotomy. And of course it was on fleek. I wouldn’t let my dermis be forever marked with just anything, unlike my sister, who permanently

My Grandmother Plans To Waterboard My Cousin With Giblet Gravy...

Oh, y'all, my kingdom for a cruise. More specifically, a cruise that sets sail Nov. 21 and doesn't return until Jan. 5. I'm not without a soul. I love the holidays as much as the next gal. Food, festiveness, parties, presents, decorations, drinks: what's not to love? Family. Family is what's not to love. Stop giving me that look. Stop it right now! You tell me that your grandmother's politics give you reason to be thankful. You tell me that your mother-in-law makes the season merry. You tell me that you catering to your brother's new wife's gluten-free diet is