My husband, Chris, and I are no strangers to kinky sex.
After all, we've done the missionary position, and we've done that bit where I'm on top, and (I'm blushing even thinking about typing this next thing...) one time, I let him touch my boobies.
We're crazy, y'all.
So, you can imagine our absolute shock when we discovered that there are sexual options beyond the aforementioned marvels (missionary, girl-on-top, booby touching.)
Are there no limits to the wonders in this world?
Apparently not, because it also turns out that if your colon starts being a jackass, doctors can cut a hole in your stomach, draw a piece of your intestines to the outside, and then you can defecate in a bag via your insides-on-the-outside-hole.
Forgive me. That segue wasn't as smooth as I intended. Let me back up a bit.
The other week, doctors diagnosed my brother-in-law, Toby, with Crohn's Disease, which is an inflammatory bowel disease that causes all sorts of horribleness, including severe abdominal pain, crazy diarrhea, hella fatigue, weight loss and malnutrition. So, you know, good stuff. (Not.)
Anyway, the medical peeps were all like, "This is BAD! We need to remove, like, a third or so of your small intestine!" And that's exactly what they did. They cut the shit out of his poop tube (all the puns intended.)
At this point, I'm sure you're like, "Um... this started out as a post about sex." And I'm all like, "I know. And it still is. Because get a load of this..."
Today, Toby's wife, Cordelia (who is one of my favorite bitches and just so happens to be my husband's sister), sent me a picture of the flyer the surgeon provided them (scribbly red emphasis is mine):
Now, as we all know, millions of folk around the world have ostomy bags. And as we also know, those people have sex. Which, obviously, they should, because, as you also also know, there's no shame in having a life-saving medical accoutrement.
"You never want to use the stoma for intercourse..."
I legit freaked out at that part. Partly because I am dumb. I thought the stoma was the bag. You know, the bag where the body sends all of the things that are too yucky to keep inside. So I was envisioning some dude using a full bag to, well, you know...
...but not in a good way...
...all the bad shudders...
I responded to Cordelia all like, "People use colostomy bags as sex toys?!?!?"
And Cordelia was like, "Um, what?"
Because the stoma isn't the bag. It's the bit of the small intestine that sticks out of the stomach. Like, the part where his poop emerges. Also, Toby had an ileostomy, not a colostomy, so, in addition to having a seriously mistaken mental picture (dudes seducing shit bags), I also screwed up the terminology.
Once she corrected me, I was then all like, "People use open intestine poop gashes as sex toys?!?!?"
And she was like, "RIGHT?! WHO WOULD STICK A DICK IN A STOMA?"
And then I was like, "NO, REALLY? WHO WOULD STICK A DICK IN A STOMA?"
And then she was like, "BECAUSE YOU KNOW THIS HAD TO HAPPEN FOR THEM TO MAKE A WARNING PAMPHLET ABOUT IT!"
And then I was all like, "I AM DEAD NOW, BECAUSE I CAN'T HANDLE PEOPLE RIGHT NOW. HUMANS ARE A DETESTABLE SPECIES!"
And now I'm sitting here all like, "You know, I really and truly thought Chris and I had the whole spicy sex market cornered with that titty-touching move. Guess not."
And now I'm all like, "I really don't know how to end this post, so, ummmm, peace out, y'all."
True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What are the literal words you would say if your sexual partner was like, "I know you just got done with this super invasive surgery that left part of your insides on your outside, but that super turns me on, and I was wondering if I could stick my dick in it?" Also, do any of y'all have some brain bleach I can use to scrub this mental image from my mind? Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.
(Note: As with all my posts with sexual content, I wrote this from my perspective as a cis-gendered heterosexual female. I'm not trying to be exclusive. I love y'all. It just gets hella wordy when I include every possible scenario.)