Today's sexually active humans no longer woo potential boinking buddies with poetry or pretty pieces of paper. Why spend $4+ on a Valentine's Day card when you could use your unlimited texting plan to emoji-splain your desire to get down?
Let me tell you why: Because Valentine's Day cards are dope. No. For real. They are dope af. Those babies are hot enough to get you pregnant with babies.
Don't believe me? Check it:
If that's not suggestive of cunnilingus, then I don't what is. And then there's this:
If that doesn't say... well, actually, um... I'm not sure. Let's skip this one and see if we can find something a little less vague. Ah, here we go:
Yeah, it does, amirite? Nothing left to the imagination there. Same with the next card:
I mean, sure, the message there may be that you're a stalker/murderer, but we're going for clarity here, right?
Okay. So, maybe I was wrong. Apparently not all vintage Valentine's Day cards are knock-your-socks-off enough to get you knocked up. But maybe some of us have husbands who aren't going to be home on this most romantic of holidays, so maybe we were pouting, and while being all alone, we maybe started reading a not-at-all-smutty story where a character enjoyed a sexual position we didn't know, so maybe we Googled "reverse cowgirl," and maybe our Internet search spit out -- among many other things -- this:
Yup. There's a card for when you want to ride someone. And there's a card for suggesting your loved one go bare down there...
There's a card for when you want to answer once and for all the question of whether he's as big as he claims:
There's a card for when you want to subtly suggest to your partner that you'd like to try a not-so-pleasant-for-her/him sexual deed:
There's a card for when you're ready to take a trip south of the border for her:
And there's a card to ask that she return the favor (see also: snowblower):
Actually, there are a few of cards asking her to ... well, do that one thing... whether it be a sword-swallower...
... or the classic banana scenario...
But if the banana seems too subtle, send a card with a gun. You could go with this one,
featuring a young Dick Cheney:
Or this fucked up one...
Or this really, really fucked up one...
Or this one, which is the most fucked up of them all...
Because nothing says "I wanna do you" like a murder sheep. Unless it's this dude, who is clearly abusing both his superpowers and his love interest's privacy:
But maybe Super Peeper isn't as bad as this dude, who is already scheming on how to conceal your carcass:
And there's this guy, who also has a plan for your remains:
Yikes, y'all. What's the deal with these cartoonists being all Johnny-on-the-spot with disposal options?
Let's go to something a little less heavy for a sec:
Get it? Less heavy? Ha. But, for real, though. Don't be giving that to your girl. She ain't gonna like that shit one bit. In fact, stay away from anything that implies she's slightly elephantine. And while we're discussing cards not to send, how about we avoid any that involve domestic violence?
Or those that suggest you need an STD test and some medical attention?
Rather, send cards that are helpful. Like this one, which helps them locate the clitoris:
When making your point, don't hesitate to rely on such cliches as "hot dog..."
Or just call that baloney pony what it is:
Because there's nothing wrong with a lady (or a gent) strolling through the meat aisle and getting their grind on:
But don't talk about your pocket rocket too much:
Especially if you haven't mastered control of said pocket rocket yet:
And while I'm doling out advice, be sure to bring up any special skills. Night-vision pussy, for instance, is worth mentioning (#lifegoals #relationshipgoals #seriouslyallthegoals):
Oh! And establish clear relationship roles. For example, if you dislike catching, perhaps this is the card for you:
Know your limits:
(Real question: Are you supposed to stretch it? Sort of like you do your calves before a run? Asking for a friend...)
Remember that hygiene is important...
Never, ever resort to roofies...
Remember to take it slow. Or, you know, don't...
And once you've got your groove, bring things to a... I want to say cabbage, but that can't be right...
And last but not least, just be yourself, and you're guaranteed to crush it.
True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What is the worst Valentine's Day card you've ever seen? Which of these were your favorite? Go ahead and caption one or two, if you're bored. Like I said, I've got nothing better to do this V-Day... Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.
(Note: As with all my posts with sexual content, I wrote this from my perspective as a cis-gendered heterosexual female. I'm not trying to be exclusive. I love y'all. It just gets hella wordy when I include every possible scenario.)