My Great Grandma Ruth was a badass.
She made bombs during WWII, and she once told me that she'd kissed 100 different guys before she got locked down by my great grandfather. And when she was in her 90s, she became something of a local celebrity.
She and her best friend, Janine, attended Bingo every Tuesday without fail. They once were in a car crash on their way to play their beloved game, and they told the EMTs that if it was their time to go, they'd rather go in the Bingo Hall.
While there, a local TV scout spotted my Great Granny, and a few weeks later, despite not having a lick of acting experience, she was popping up on TVs all throughout the Midwest.
I don't remember the commercial line-by-line, but the gist of the plot was this: Great Grandma Ruth was in a Bingo Hall, and the caller was howling numbers --B4, I9, N6, etc.-- and she turned to some ladies that were chattering, and she said, "Pipe down! I can't hear the auctioneer!"
Yeah. It was a hearing aid advertisement, and the humor resided in that she needed one of these devices because she was so hard of hearing that she thought a game of bingo was actually an auction.
I never said it was the most clever bit of marketing, but I am saying that people loved it.
Anyway, this story isn't at all pertinent to the point of this particular post, which is this: Thanksgiving sucks. But, as I was typing this, I had a strong memory of my Great Grandmother (a woman I loved dearly) on the TV, playing her favorite game in the world. Additionally, her favorite holiday in the world was Thanksgiving, despite having been born on the Fourth of July.
Again, I deviate. All this to say, I am super dreading Thanksgiving, for reasons outlined in this previous post, and I thought it would only be fitting to honor my Great Grandmother by creating a Thanksgiving Bingo sheet highlighting how much family holidays suck.
And thus, I present to you, The Depressingly Realistic Thanksgiving Bingo sheet:
I haven't yet patented this shit or anything, so feel free to print it off and play at your own upcoming festive gatherings. Spoiler alert: Anyone who wins at this game will be losing at life, but it's not our fault.
True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. Which slots are you most likely to mark during your family's holiday? I'm betting the first one I mark off will be somebody asking me (the infertile woman) when I'm due. I hate that. I CAN'T GET PREGNANT. STOP ASKING ME IF I AM PREGNANT. WE ALL KNOW I AM JUST FAT! WHAT IS Y'ALL'S PROBLEM??? Anyway, close on the heels of that one will be the slot of "Someone cries," with the crying coming from the person I punch in the nose after they ask me when I'm due. If I'm lucky, that punch will land in such a way that they'll have to go to the ER, thus securing me another slot, because I'm in it to win it. ANYHOODLES... What slots did I miss? What would you add? Has anyone ever actually been able to swallow a bite of tofurkey? Why would you even do that? WHY? Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.