The Cats Are About To Revolt, And It's All The Grocery Store Clerk's Fault...

The Cats Are About To Revolt, And It's All The Grocery Store Clerk's Fault...

Y'all know I'm smitten by kittens. Every last one on all the planets. I even adore my feline overlords when they're all like, "Stop watching Golden Girls, and go buy me food, servant."

Such was my situation the other night. I wanted to see what wacky thing the old one with the glasses would say next, but instead I was at the grocery store with a cart full of such necessities as SlimFast, floss, Kerrygold butter, and a discounted holiday-scented candle. And cat food. Can after can of cat food. And some cat litter. Because when you cram fake meat bits into any living being's mouth, it's digestive system is going to revolt.

A swollen, sullen teen-aged creature was tending the register, and with each progressive "beep" of the aisle-ringy-upper-thingy, she looked increasingly petulant. I tried to be engaging and said something like, "Nice day to buy cat food, eh?" But what I said isn't important. What she said is. Because what she said is this: "I hate cats."

I know for a scientific fact that it is physically impossible to hate cats. And I told her so. But she insisted on being wrong, repeating, "Nope. I hate cats."

Obviously she hadn't met MY cats. They're purrfect.



(That was Khaleesi. This is Mycroft.)


So, I said, "Well, obviously you haven't met MY cats."

And then she said, "No. Really. I hate cats. One time I set one on fire for scratching me."




My husband, Chris, and I did that whole polite giggle thing that actually means, "Holy balls, we're uncomfortable, but we can't tell if you're just messing with us or if you're actually unhinged."

And THEN she was all like, "No, seriously. That cat made me mad, so I lit it up."

Now, I'm a nice lady, so I countered with, "Well, we all do things we regret in our youth."

And then... hand to God... she said, "Nah. This was just a few years back. I was at my Nana's, and her cat scratched me, so I tried to set that cat's ears on fire, but it didn't catch, so I took the match to it's feet. They burned better."

Chris and I just stood there, all like:


Because, you know, the express checkout lane was positioned on a scenic overlook, and we have cat faces where our heads should be.

ANYWAY... this bitch just told TOTAL STRANGERS that she set a LIVING ANIMAL on fire! What sort of nonsense was going to come out of her yap next? That she had chopped up her sweet Nana and stored her in pickle jars? That the Red Wedding was actually her idea? That she has a Donald Trump tramp stamp?

She must have realized that she had revealed her true identity as a giant skid mark on the underpants of humanity, because she tried to soften that shit by being all like, "But I'm not a serial killer. I've grown since then."

I haven't been back to that store since,* which is probably for the best, since that that I'm over the shock, I'm pretty sure that if I saw her again, I would tell her that she is not the person Mr. Rogers wanted her to be, and nobody wants it to get that rowdy up in here.

*(Okay, I lied. I still go to that store. Don't judge!! It's only two blocks away, and I'm lazy. Fortunately, I've only seen her there one time since. Unfortunately, she was the sole available register. So I hid behind a display of discounted crackers until another cashier opened a different lane.)


True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. What's the weirdest thing a stranger has said to you? Or worse, what's the most WTF thing you've said that has totally creeped out a lovely person who just wanted to go about their day in peace? Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.