I damn near worship autumn, but this fall you won't find me humping any gourds.
Okay. That's a lie. I might get a wee bit sensual with one sexy squash:
So, yeah, that's my husband, Chris, indulging my fall fetish by agreeing to put on this piece of folk art from a kitschy gourd museum. And we can all agree that my man looks goooooood. Rawr?
I'm just kidding. I do not get off on fleshy fall fruits, although, apparently, the rest of U.S.A. sure as shit does.
If you were to guess what a pumpkin looked like based solely on the amount of pumpkin spice flavored goodies we Americans shove down our gullet, you'd think the festive decor-turned-pie looked a lot like this:
And that's where I'm going to stop with the pics, y'all, because some people should be ashamed of what they've done with and to the humble orange sphere. (Seriously. There are some pornographic pumpkins out there, and I do not like it one bit.)
Anyway, my point (which has been long prolonged) is this: everyone's panting for some pumpkin spice, and I've got numbers (and more pictures) to prove how gee-dee ridiculous this fall craze is.
It all started in 2003, when Starbucks debuted its now famous pumpkin spice latte. More than 200 million cups have been sold since then. I get it. Those drinks are damn deeeeeelish. What I don't get is this next bit: pumpkin spice items of any kind are up 80 percent in the last five years, with total sales of these items racking up nearly $400 million in national sales.
Look, I'd be down if the pumpkin spice items in question were just this:
But then there's also this:
Again, there's the good (because you know that's scrumptious):
And the bad (because you know that's nasty):
You want something smelling of pumpkin to mask the scent of your cats' turds? Got it:
You want something else to detract from your canines' wet dog smell? Got that, too:
There are items for those of us living on trim grocery budgets:
And there are those items for those of us looking to get slim:
Let's just pause for a second to recognize that somebody out there actually thought that a Pumpkin Spice Bistro Bowl salad sounded like a deal at 330 calories.
Fortunately, the hipsters haven't gotten wind of this, so pumpkin salad isn't becoming a bonafide thing. Oh, wait:
Don't have access to a savory seasonal salad kit? No worries, because we've got your croutons:
We've got your dressing:
We've got your vinegar:
Which you can obviously mix with oil, if you're feeling a little more health-conscious:
Ooops. My mistake. Wrong oil. Whew, and here I thought things had really gotten out of hand. (Nah. Y'all know there's actual pumpkin oil. I'm just not going to bore you with a picture of that.) But let's say you're not sated with salad. Maybe you want some soup, too. (Okay, look, again, we all know that exists, so I'll again skip a pic.) But every soup should come served with crackers, right? Here they are:
And crackers obviously needs to be served with overly processed cheese:
And no cheese should come without beer:
And since you don't want your boss to know that you've been tipping back the hard stuff over lunch, you should probably take care of your breath:
And if you're also going on a date with your boss and need to be doubly careful about your breath, this comes into play:
And then, when OH MY GAWD you realize that your life is pathetic, you can end it with the scents of the season. Hell, we'll even let you pick your poison, literally:
I don't have it in me for another joke, so, I'm just going to go ahead and blandly type that you can also obtain pumpkin spice ammunition:
Okay. I know that last one was fake. I also know the suicide joke was in poor taste. BUT SO IS THIS!!!:
Look, y'all. I believe in my heart of hearts that if there is a divine creator out there, then she designed fall with me in mind. I love nothing more than a chilled breeze floating through foliage tinged with hues of scarlet and saffron. And I know that I am meant to wake up each autumnal morning and partake in pure pumpkin bliss.
I want people to keep making things like this:
Which could possibly be well-paired with this:
Or maybe I could munch on these muffins...:
Slathered with this butter...:
And washed down with this, because for the love of little baby Jesus, I need to pour this down my calorie chute:
But in the name of all that is sacred in this most blissful of seasons, can we agree to never, ever, ever, ever consume this:
And especially this:
I mean, rice cakes, y'all? Are you kidding me? You might as well be covering your taste buds with this:
At least it'd go down better.
And that's it. That's my 2016 Pumpkin Spice Product List. To see how it compares to last year's collection, click here.
Also, I only recently discovered that the eggplant emoji represents a penis and all the cool kids use it to dirty sext. I wonder if a pumpkin emoji exists, and, if so, what does it symbolize? Like, just one clearly infected testicle? Or a single-sided boob job gone horribly wrong?
True story: Life would be super swell if we all embraced our OMG side instead of living a Facebook-friendly existence. So, let it out. If you could invent any pumpkin spice product, what would it be? Obviously, I'd pick cat-shaped gummy treats. But they wouldn't be for the cats. Duh. They'd be for me. Feel free to disclose details. You're safe here.